11/14/2022 0 Comments Dual family game secret list![]() ![]() Notice how you feel as you document it and how you breathe when you get it out and order it away. I suggest you cannot do this all in one go, but in stages, a little every day. This is how you take control of it, so it isn’t swimming about in you. I think you need to list what your mother said about your father, list the stories of the affairs she told you about, organise the secrets she has dumped on you with dates, put them in order. ![]() What is the poison? Maybe the bombardment over most of your lifetime, with images, hate and stories from her that seem to rot away inside you, so that you do not want to examine it and sort it out. I feel you need to take back control and re-parent that 10-year-old girl inside you. Maybe you feel by cutting her out of your life you would free this imprisoned part of you. I expect a part of you has remained 10 years old, defenceless, inarticulate. I was wondering, could you tell her how her confidences have affected you? How it feels that she has taken your place at your daughter’s graduation? I realise the idea of talking to her might make you flinch. To add to this, for years your mother has been trying to alienate you from your father. Someone lightens their load by dumping them on to you and then you are left with the heavy load. Philippa’s answer: Secrets can burn away at you. I have no desire to reveal her secrets, I do not want to share the damage from her life with my children, but I do not know how to proceed. My concern is that to cut ties, I would need to tell people that I have chosen not to have her in my life and as she is seen as perfect, it would seem very odd. I am fortunate to have a happy life, fulfilling work and good relationships with my children, husband and friends, but this relationship is toxic for me. I wonder if I have reached the point where I should cut her out of my life. There are not enough tickets so I will not be able to attend. However, my daughter considers her to be the perfect grandmother and has invited her to her graduation ceremony. To her friends and the rest of the family, she is considered kind and compassionate. She discusses – and has discussed since I was 10 – leaving him, but she has never gone through with this. She despises my father and tells me whenever we meet of his failings and of her disappointments in life. She has never held back in telling me about her feelings for the people she has been involved with. She has had several extra marital affairs and I am the only one who knows about these. The dilemma I have kept secrets for my mother for many years. ![]()
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